BUMMER

I sat my IELTS exam this weekend (the struggle to study abroad still continues) the reading test had an interesting section on depression. Without boring you with the details; the extract was from a report that explained why there existed so many more studies on what made people sad as opposed to happy.

An interesting paragraph insinuated that because humans started out worrying about their surroundings and survival mechanisms they tended to focus on the negative (what can go wrong) than the positive feelings in their lives. The extract explained why so many hours were poured into solving depression and how to over come it.

The report explained that the ability for humans to see beyond the fleeting happy feeling and slip into darker emotions was overpoweringly strong. I guess I bored you with all the details after all.

I have-for a while now-worried about the possibility of whether I was suffering from depression. Today I was having one of the many busy days at work when I decided to go to my favourite bar for a drink and work from there. The assignment was an over due article I owed my best friend A who sent me to an island the weekend before my birthday. She had noticed that I had become increasingly withdrawn and knew that although I had to work (write the review) I also needed the time out.

Anyway, I had a meeting at earlier mentioned bar when we started chatting over what'sapp when I invited her to come over. I had a meeting, she had to meet someone but I thought our combined urgency to get drunk would make for a good evening.

She cant make it and has to go home. Before I know it, she is sending me what'sApp messages about all my shortcomings. The way I invite her for meetings when I know she wont fit in, the way I get too attached to my friend's boyfriends and forget I knew the girls first and many such things.

Any effort to describe how I felt won't do this justice. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. We had quite the exchange with me calling her out on how dismissive and oblivious she can be to my feelings. I also added that she then bottles up things and let's them out at the wrong time (like say tonight) and in such a torrent that they come off as harsh.

In all honesty, she made me so sad; I am struggling to remember any happy feelings from the last few months. I am not angry with her. Just angry with myself for letting my guard down. For letting her easily pull the rug from under me.

It didnt help that I was chatting with someone from a brief sexual encounter two weekends ago. Someone who-in his private chat-was at the moment telling him I had come off as psycho for very other reasons.

Tonight I want to cry. I want to cry until their words are mere echoes.