Past Musings

I just came across this document buried somewhere in my documents. It is dated 14/10/2011. I have an idea what I could be talking about although most of it reads like an emotional mess. I will explain after

It happened the week before I got dumped. Maybe it was the god’s ways of cushioning the blow. Maybe I had unconsciously tired of the old routine; go in, try not get hurt, get hurt and pretend not be. I decided a week before Mark said a thing to walk away. I decided that I couldn’t give him blow jobs, advice on jobs and still leave his house feeling like an under paid whore. I hated having to lie that he had ever gone down on me or that we actually got to second base. I hated having to lie and magnify each little second of attention to make it seem more affectionate.
Whatever the case; there was no way I was going into that room. I had called P the day before and the day before that, asking if we could hook up. We had the weekend of my first week in town and although it was as always exciting but not memorable; I had felt a connection unlike any other. While we had cuddled in the past, it felt like he didn’t mind his friends finding out about us. In a twisted way, that made me feel great.
Yesterday when he turned me down I went home with Rowland. He was someone from the past. Someone I hooked up with every once or twice a year and thought little about him after. The sex was according to Anne who remembered from conversations) great. He went down on me and it was great-again from Anne’s recollections. I didn’t let him this time; I didn’t want it to be great. It happened in the living room, in the bedroom and in the morning. I will soon forget it.
I wanted to see T but for the reason of our friendship. P called asking for his phone which I had borrowed. I went over and had a drink with him and (our) friends. I called T and called him out on the unfairness of our friendship. I told him I felt like I was going more than half the distance. After he fed me a line about how incapacitated he was by his brokenness, I made plans to go over there. I asked P is he wanted me to sleep over and he said I could the next day. I was irritated and was about to leave when he reluctantly gave me the keys.
I went over and decided to sleep in the next room and when the socket wouldn’t work; moved to the sitting room. He was home a few hours later and asked me to join him in the room. I didn’t then or the next two times he came for me. I decided that if I was ever going to sleep with anyone else he should at least want me there. I didn’t go to the bed and was very happy with myself.